That wacky Mediterranean shindig of 1478 that we call the Spanish Inquisition was the brainchild of Ferdinand and Isabella of Castile who ruled Spain at the time. Fergie and Izzy were becoming somewhat alarmed and despondent at what they perceived to be heresy against the Catholic Church which was not having a particularly good time of it, what with Henry VIII marrying every broad he could find and Dan Brown, y’know, being a thing.
So, anyway, the Inquisition ran on CBS from 1478 all the way up until July 15, 1834 when the series was canned to make way for "I Love Lucy". Although, the last person believed to have been executed by the Inquisition was bumped off back in 1826 so… whatcha done lately?
But now we need details, and, like any ridiculous frollick into the quagmire of serious historical subject matter, I’ll start by placing a context around the topic and wasting away about 400 words.
In the 15th century, Spain was shared up more ways than a "Guatamalan showgirl" at a bachelor party. There was a whole caboodle of realms, such as the Kingdoms of Aragon, Catalonia, Valentia, Pixar and Disney. All of these realms were grouped together in a sort of parent company called the "Crown of Aragon". There also was another Crown, to accompany Aragon, and this one was called the "Crown of Castile" and it's interesting to note here that back in the Middle Ages, the Crown of Aragon had already staged a sort of mini, practice inquisition but it was Ferdinand and Isabella who really took the reins… (rein, get it? Because they’re rulers. It’s not going to get better, folks) and it was them who really did the thing properly.
Anyway, what I was trying to lead up to with this Crown's thing was that in a number of the larger cities in the Castile and Aragon area codes, particularly Seville, Valladolid and the capital of Aragon, Barcelona, there were very large populations of Jews. Which makes sense because at the time, there was a long history of Jews being involved in service to the royal desire for self-deprecating cinema. Even Ferdinand's father, John II of Aragon, had a Jew named, Abiathar Crescas as the court astronomer to aid in the development of the Spanish Mars Rover: El Rovero Cerveza.
But back to the Inquisition. The whole purpose of the Inquistion was to try to oust out all those sneaky bastids who were saying that they were Catholic but actually kept practising their Muslim or Islamic faiths on the Spanish equivalent of the DL: The El D.
Now, although looking back on the whole debacle, it might seem like Ferdinand got somewhat out of control what with the whole excruciating, torture (unlike pleasant torture) methods and tricks-of-the-trade and the concept of killing someone for lying about what they don't believe in, he had some reason's for pulling the cord on the religious lawn-mower that seemed decent at the time. Lord knows, I’m convinced.
Firstly was that, like I said before, Spain was all divided into numerous geographic regions. But more than that, Spain was divided within its borders by a large number of different religious traditions and ethnic groups. Fergie felt that if he could impose a common religion – pff… let’s say… Catholicism - he would be able to create a stronger sense of unity amongst his people. It's also thought by some pen-pushing, glasses-and-slicked-back-haired, "yes, Mother, I'll be home by nine", historians that Fergie was trying to quell any political opposition within Spain by having all his detractors be declared Catholic fibbers and subsequently executed. Yeah. Right.
But, whatever the reason, the Spanish Inquisition opened in the Crown of Castile to rave reviews. At least from everyone who didn't want to be tortured and killed. Except for one guy. Despite the thumbs up from Roger Ebert, that zany, out-in-left-field, Pope Sixtus IV of Rome just couldn't bring himself to even watch the highlights on SportsCentre, let alone get season tickets. Him! A man of the cloth! Disgraceful.
Being a sensitive guy, this hurt Fergie's feelings to some extent as he had cultivated close ties to Rome over the years and was upset that Sixtus wasn't supporting Fergie's hopes and dreams, yet expecting support for his own wacky schemes. In fact, Sixtus wanted the whole Inquisition shut down, but Fergie managed to find some lobbyists in the form of the Bishop of Valencia, Rodrigo Borgia and the Papal Vice-Chancellor to have a chat with Sixtus. Now, Sixtus wasn't a total jerk and frankly, had a bit of a soft spot for Fergie, whom he used to babysit for a couple of extra duckets a week, and so he conceded that the Inquisition could take place in Spain... but only in Castile!
And so, for a while, our hero proceeded happily torturing fakers and unifying his state. But you know those Spaniards, with their golden tans, flowing locks of black hair and their penetrating, sultry, Mediterranean eyes: you give them an inch and they take a mile and before anyone knew what was happening, the Inquisition had spread out of Castile into the city of Seville.
Now it was Sixtus who had hurt feelings. He was a man who enjoyed a tasteful torture after work as much as any other Man of God, but even he found the extreme methods of torture used in Spain to be not very kosher and with the hurt feelings, came the disintegration of the Fergie/Sixtus friendship and the Pope went so far as to suggest that the Inquisition was just a nasty scam Fergie had dreamed up to confiscate the property of the Jew's in Spain and that Fergie seemed to spend an awful lot of time wearing leather chaps. The Sixster tried to put an end to the Inquisition, but Fergie stepped up and said that if the Inquisition wasn't allowed to continue outside of Castile, then he'd just call back all of the troops he'd put into place as guard-dogs in Sicily (like a ma’fucka). Sixtus was mightily displeased, but in 1478 (like a little Bitch), signed a Papal Bull allowing the Inquisition to be conducted in Seville.
This back-and-forth thing between Sixtus and Ferdinand went on for a while, with Sixtus trying to slow down the relentlessy marchy march of godliness on the part of Fergie, and Fergie, in his corner, trying to get the Pope to acknowledge how ingenius the whole "death to Catholic fibbers" idea was. But eventually, Ferdinand had had enough of the whiny Sixtus and decided to take some more drastic measures.
At the time that Fergie was asking some tough questions of suspected Catholic fakers, Italy was not having a particularly fun-filled time. Venice, which traditionally had been the Italian line of defence against the Turks to the east, had become significantly weakend by a war from 1463 to 1479 where the Turks had invaded Greece. France, that dastardly, exquisitely-dressed, shark with a pencil mustache, to the north was circling around, rubbing its perfectly manicured hands together waiting for a chance to attack wherever there was evidence of some weakness. And to top it all off, in 1480, the Sultan of Turkey decided that he would attack the Italian port of Otranto and have his thousands of soldiers pillage the countryside, basically unopposed, for three days. Bummer central.
All of this had made Fergie's military prescence in Sicily (where he was also the King, in addition to Spain) much more important to Sixtus and so, although he really didn't want to, the Pope agreed to bless the Inquisition in exchange for Ferdinand to keep his soldiers stationed in Sicily. This was excellent news to Fergie because he now had the two things he desperately had wanted all along: 1) total control over the day-to-day operations of the Inquisition, and 2) the blessing of his old buddy Sixtus.
Well, I think that's way more than enough for the first installment. I will, however, take a moment to advertise the next issue of Historical Facks, because I've already written it, so it’s half done… just like my self-respect. So:
Tune in next time, when we'll get down to the real "meat and fritatas" of the Spanish Inquisition, including the Explusion of the Jews, A Day in the Life of the Spanish Inquisition, Spanish Torture Techniques and the much requested, Death Toll Summary.
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